It’s been a rough half-year.
A lot of stuff happened. I left the first place where I was truly happy and I had to find a new place. After that, small thing upon small thing started piling up until it was just an overwhelming weight crushing me down.
That’s how anxiety works. It overwhelms you, leaving you always exhausted. You start off fairly normal, but you cannot live with this poison in your brain.
You start to fade. Your personality disappears.
Eventually you are just a shell. Or perhaps an android, because you are still functioning but that is only due to programming. What is happening inside your mind takes you over. You should be controlling it, but in reality it controls you.
If you could see what is happening inside your head, it would look something like this.
It cannot touch you. The anxiety never touches you. It does not have the power to physically harm you. But it does have the power to make you harm yourself and it will do everything in its power to do that to you.
You see, the anxiety is you. It’s not some intruder from outside. It is a part of you and that’s why it’s so hard to fight it. It knows your every weakness. It knows just where it can find a loophole to sneak in or a loose brick to wiggle out. It knows every single thing that you fear and it plays on that. How are you supposed to defend against your own mind?
But there is defence. And there is a life beyond the anxiety. It might be a part of you, but that does not mean it’s inseparable from you.
I feel that I should also point out that I do not have anxiety disorder. I have social anxiety which generally does not get either sympathy or treatment and I get these other flare-ups. It’s circumstantially triggered, not internally.
Recovering from such a flare-up is the best feeling in the world though. Just to wake up one morning and it’s left and all the weight in your core is gone. Of course it doesn’t disappear for no reason. I can trace the recovery. I know the reading of a certain book was involved. But the anxiety always disappears suddenly.
Every time it leaves I think that this time I have won the war. Now I know its tricks and am aware of its lies. Each time so far it turns out that I won a battle, not a war. It always finds a way back in. It finds another weakness, another loophole, and it returns. But each time I am a little wiser to it. Each time I get stronger and more aware of its lies and I dream of the day that I develop immunity – when it will not be able to find a way in anymore.