Laughter and books make life a little easier

Anxiety interrupted


It’s been a rough half-year.

A lot of stuff happened. I left the first place where I was truly happy and I had to find a new place. After that, small thing upon small thing started piling up until it was just an overwhelming weight crushing me down.


That’s how anxiety works. It overwhelms you, leaving you always exhausted. You start off fairly normal, but you cannot live with this poison in your brain.


You start to fade. Your personality disappears.


Eventually you are just a shell. Or perhaps an android, because you are still functioning but that is only due to programming. What is happening inside your mind takes you over. You should be controlling it, but in reality it controls you.



If you could see what is happening inside your head, it would look something like this.

5 6 7 8 9


It cannot touch you. The anxiety never touches you. It does not have the power to physically harm you. But it does have the power to make you harm yourself and it will do everything in its power to do that to you.

You see, the anxiety is you. It’s not some intruder from outside. It is a part of you and that’s why it’s so hard to fight it. It knows your every weakness. It knows just where it can find a loophole to sneak in or a loose brick to wiggle out. It knows every single thing that you fear and it plays on that. How are you supposed to defend against your own mind?

But there is defence. And there is a life beyond the anxiety. It might be a part of you, but that does not mean it’s inseparable from you.

I feel that I should also point out that I do not have anxiety disorder. I have social anxiety which generally does not get either sympathy or treatment and I get these other flare-ups. It’s circumstantially triggered, not internally.

Recovering from such a flare-up is the best feeling in the world though. Just to wake up one morning and it’s left and all the weight in your core is gone. Of course it doesn’t disappear for no reason. I can trace the recovery. I know the reading of a certain book was involved. But the anxiety always disappears suddenly.

Every time it leaves I think that this time I have won the war. Now I know its tricks and am aware of its lies. Each time so far it turns out that I won a battle, not a war. It always finds a way back in. It finds another weakness, another loophole, and it returns. But each time I am a little wiser to it. Each time I get stronger and more aware of its lies and I dream of the day that I develop immunity – when it will not be able to find a way in anymore.



7 responses

  1. I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t great. I used to have anxiety (not social anxiety though, so it’s probably quite different) but have gradually found ways to deal with it. I haven’t had a panic attack for 2 years. I hope things start looking up for you soon! Anxiety is horrible! :/

    May 30, 2014 at 09:15

    • There are so many types of anxiety. I used to think it was just one thing. Actually, before that I lived with it for so long I did not know it’s not supposed to feel like this. I also learned to deal with it. While I still have social anxiety, the strangest thing possible taught me to handle it. I took a creative writing class – the most anxiety-inducing class I ever attended. Every week, I had to read my writing aloud for everyone. Sometimes it was very personal writing. I was a nervous wreck. I don’t know if it was facing my fear of public speaking as well as my fear of people mocking my writing, who I am, at the same time, but that class really helped. 🙂
      Thanks, you too. I hope you continue to be strong and deal with anxiety’s lies.

      June 3, 2014 at 00:31

  2. Can’t say I’ve ever felt exactly like this, but it’s a fascinating description nonetheless, and I love how you illustrated the personality fading away. 😉

    I hope you win this war soon!

    May 30, 2014 at 20:33

    • I’m sure it’s different for everyone. This is just my experience.
      I’m glad. If you understand what I meant with that it means I did the job properly. 🙂
      Well, wars are won by not giving in, right? That’s all I can do now.

      June 3, 2014 at 00:24

  3. Mindfulness and CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) are worth giving a try too. As is plain good old-fashioned meditating. Ruby Wax’s “Sane New World” is also a very good read. You can get a flavour of it from this TED talks piece here.

    June 4, 2014 at 18:54

  4. Pingback: Books read in May & June | CC

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