So this is the promised status update
I’m home now. Back from holiday, perhaps a little more cynical (just like I always feel after a holiday) and hopefully a little more rested. I hope that I will be able to say that I am also now a little more psychologically stable. But let me start at the beginning. I’ve been very quiet for a while, so I feel that I owe this blog a proper update.
To break up this extremely text-heavy post, I will add some of my photos. Not all of them recent, but all of them mine. 🙂
At first I was quiet because I was so incredibly busy. Post-grad is nothing like undergrad, I can tell you that. It just involves so much more reading and writing and at times it was hard to keep up with everything. Something had to go and that something was blogging. I never even saw my friends for months, because I was just too busy with everything else. I had to write research papers, but to write the papers I first had to read the sources, or, in some cases, pretend to. Hey, don’t look at me like that, it worked well! 😛
Then another thing that has been keeping me quiet is that I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately. I’ve always been an anxious person. It’s just who I am: a worrier. I worry and worry and fret about absolutely everything, whether I can do anything about the problem or not. Sometimes however I get a flare-up and I guess that at the moment the best thing that I can do is admit that there is a reason for this current flare-up. I am so scared of the future. I am terrified. There, I’ve said it. Maybe it will haunt me a little less now. I can have no escape from it. I have always been someone who needs to have everything structured and organised and planned out, but right now I have nothing. I have no plans or structure left. Once the end of this year comes, I have no idea where I’m going, where I’m going to live and what I am going to do. Well, I’m going to look for a job, but I have no idea where I am going to look for it and when I am going to get it. I don’t even know for certain what kind of job I am going to be looking for. I don’t know what I am going to live from or where I am going to live. I have no idea what I am going to do and it terrifies me.
I’ve always been like this: scared of what might happen. It probably won’t happen, but if you are like me you have to worry about it anyway. I am worried that I will develop some sort of horrible illness. Chances are that I won’t, but my brain won’t stop nagging me about it. Not everything about me works exactly the way that it should, but that’s what makes us human, isn’t it? Not doing things by the book. If I was sick, I’d have symptoms of some sort, wouldn’t I? But my brain doesn’t accept that sort of logical argument. Instead, it seems bent on making me sick by worrying all day and night. I should probably also tell you that I am a hypochondriac. If you have this “obsession”, you will know how annoying it is in situations like this.
When I was younger, I used to worry about my parents dying. Morbid, I know. Often I would get myself into a frenzy of fear over this. Maybe it was triggered by the knowledge that if I lost my parents, I would be all alone and it would be the orphanage for me. It doesn’t seem logical to me anymore, but then my current anxieties aren’t any more logical. I’ve always had some sort of fear that sent me into a full-out anxiety overdose.
I’m getting better though. I am trying to learn to deal with all of this anxiety. I’m learning to do something that I’ve never really done before: I’m talking to God about the things that worry me. It helps. A lot. I never really talk about religion on the internet, because it is a touchy subject and this blog was not built to withstand a controversy. However, I will do it now, just for a paragraph. I was taught about God as a child, but I have always been too scared to talk to Him. I didn’t pray. I believed, but I had no relationship with Him. Now I think God is talking to me. He is teaching me that I am not floundering about helpless, but that He is in control. I am thinking about that C.S. Lewis quote where he says that worrying about tomorrow is just as foolish as worrying about a day a thousand years in the future because we can do nothing about either, however God can. I tried googling it, but I couldn’t find it. Please let me know if you know the exact quote though! 🙂
Today and yesterday I felt really good. I had hardly any panicky, anxious moments, which is a huge improvement on some days I’ve had. Let’s hope I can continue improving! Today I felt positively sparkly. Good days are good. 🙂
Needless to say, anxiety tires me out. I can’t blog or do anything when I feel like that. Besides that, I wrote exams and studied for exams.
Obviously I planned to read a lot of books during the holidays. It went better than usual… I guess. I really enjoyed Northern Lights by Philip Pullman, which is better known as the movie The Golden Compass. I have yet to read the other two books in the trilogy and I’d better get started because it’s for class. I also read that Lemony Snicket book hidden at the bottom and both Terry Pratchetts, both of which were excellent. The Hobbit only went along because I thought I’d make graphics and stuff while on holiday but then my screencap program broke and I needed internet to fix it. I still haven’t incidentally… Eventually I satisfied myself with making a lot of Lizzie Bennet-gifs instead of the more serious stuff. On a related note, I also read a surprising book for my usual tastes and ended up loving it… If you follow me on Goodreads or Tumblr you may already know about it, but if not, I will post about it later anyway. 🙂
Now, however, it is time to buckle down for the last stretch of studying that I might ever do. Only one more semester to go. This semester I’m doing some of the most demanding things that I have ever done, including Anglo-Saxon and Creative Writing (though not both at the same time :P). Anglo-Saxon, in my inexperienced opinion, is a bastard of a language where every single word is affected by every other word.
On top of this, I have to write a novel for class (not a whole one, but a decent start of one). But… I have such a bad case of writer’s block right now that it is hilarious. It might just be the worst case that I have ever had. For once, I have to write and I cannot. I do not have any ideas and I have been thinking and thinking and all that I can think of is that I might have to revive one of my old stories and redo it. I mean, no one will know, but I don’t know if any of my old ideas are any good. I mean, I was in school. I don’t know if I had any decent ideas back then, except for my last-minute decision to study English instead of Law. I know that is a decision that I will never regret. Yes, even when, in three years’ time, I am living off charity because “people with degrees in English don’t get jobs” I will still not regret it. I would have hated Law with everything that makes me who I am. I would probably have continued to study it if at all possible (you know, if I did not fail everything) because I do not give up, but I would have been miserable. I know so many people who are unhappy in their jobs because they studied the wrong things because their parents wanted them to or because they were drawn by potential large salaries. However their families’ satisfaction and all their money is not making them happy. I know I will not be rich. I will probably not even be well-off, because, frankly, editors don’t do that badly in the right job, but it is kind of hard to find that job. And if I do get to write, there are very few writers who can live off the money earned by writing. Very few writers ever do really well from their craft.
Anyway, I don’t know how I got onto this discussion, because I was talking about my inexperienced-with-life-decisions in high school and then ended up talking about how I am still glad that I chose happiness over money, passion over status. So, I still don’t know what I am going to write about. Maybe I should put Pinterest to good use for once and go to the board that I have devoted entirely to writing… Why is it there, exactly, if not to help me out in my hour of desperation? I will not have spent more than a year in vain growing if it can help me out now. I need a really good idea right now, something that will set my brain on fire and help me to do well enough in this class that it might open some doors for me in the future. I had an idea a while back for a fantasy-type novel, but apparently fantasy isn’t a very good idea for this class, because it is really hard to do well with a fantasy novel. (Harder than with other genres.) I don’t think I want to take that risk.
I wish I could have had my idea for my previous NaNoWriMo-novel now. That was the kind of brain-on-fire thing that doesn’t happen much. I just need an idea. It shouldn’t be that hard, you would think. A whole world of ideas out there and I haven’t even got one. This is extremely frustrating and also nerve-wrecking. The only novel-writing practice I got in over the past few years was NaNoWriMo, which is a good excuse for writing bad first drafts, but it is less liberating when you have to take those drafts to class each week and read them aloud. Have I ever mentioned that I tend to start stammering when I’m facing public exposure of my soul? I don’t have a speech impediment, but when someone stares at my soul, I do. Writing is me. It makes me who I am and when I have to share it with others, I feel completely naked and so, so vulnerable. I still think it is good for me to take this class that will drive me to do new things that I would not dare otherwise. If I don’t get over this fear to share my writing with others, I’m afraid that I never will. And then I would have sold my sold for nothing! 😉 How horrible would that knowledge be! 😆
Hopefully I will have a really excellent idea soon. *fingers crossed*
Now you probably know everything you need to know about me! 😉 We’ll see this semester how well cartoons and homework go together, but regardless, I will update in a week or so to talk about books and creative writing and other interesting things like that. 🙂